Understanding my queer identity

It’s very fair to say that it's taken a very long time to discover what I identify with, and I think I am yet to understand how I feel or what I am, but I have spent a lot of time sitting up at night, almost coming out to my friends, knowing that I don't identify fully with my gender, but not knowing what to do about it or how to express it, or even what label to put on it. And I think I've finally reached the point where I can begin to unpick how I feel.

Honestly, I have spent so long looking at myself and trying to put myself into a box that I think I've almost come out about a million times, and actually have twice to people who had no idea what it meant and brushed it off like it was nothing. I don’t blame them, it's not easy to explain and it's definitely not easy to understand.

I’ve always been a political person, and I’ve always wanted to be able to stand up for people in the LGBTQ+ community, but have never known where I fit in. I think i’ve always seen my own gender identity as something confusing to leave alone, so I never got to explore how I feel as I locked all those thoughts away and threw away the key. Maybe some of my interest in politics stems from the fact that with my identity, my identity is inherently political, and I wanted to fight for people I identify with, a community I can finally feel a part of.

When I was 15, I cut my hair short, not as a statement, but just because I wanted to, I was called a lesbian for years, until I grew it out to conform, I was taunted and honestly still am by friends who make fun of what my hair was like then, I think that’s why ‘coming out’ is so scary, because if I want to express myself but I don’t know how accepting my friends will really be But I think, over lockdown where I have been able to discover myself further, and have learnt to not be so reliant on my friends, as those close to me have not been as understanding , or I have been too anxious to annoy them. I think my distancing from those who I have been so dependant on before, that I have managed to learn more about myself and discover and take time to discover my own identity, not one formed around friends.

I came out to my friends a few days before posting this, so that I guess they would know before whoever reads this. It was difficult because I still had that worry and concern about what they would think, how they would start to see me, and I think I still feel like that, I still don't trust that they accept me or believe me but I am learning to not put so much pressure on my friends to care about me, I think it has been a major downfall in my journey to finally coming out, and to finally reach a point where I can tell them was a massive moment for me.

I guess I don’t have much to say, my brain is just very confusing and writing it down is a way to finally admit something I've always known. Even now I won’t sign this with my name, I am proud to know people will read this and know, and I can finally live how I deserve.

There is power in difference, It’s time for me to embrace who I am.

Anonymous